She also participated in an interview for an article about midwifery that was in the Rolla Daily News on Feb 24th.

Author of Talking to Someone Whose Child is Dying, available through Amazon.com or from this site via Paypal

The following suggestions for talking to families of critically or terminally ill children are excerpted from Talking to Someone Whose Child is Dying by Molly M. Remer, MSW, Copyright © 2004 by Molly M. Remer. All rights reserved.

Do

• Listen openly, actively, and responsively.
• Listen without judging.
• Be satisfied to simply “be there” for the family.
• Follow the family members’ cues—use a lead-in question or comment and then proceed based on the person’s response (talkative vs. not). Pay special attention to non-verbal communications.
• Remember to avoid meaningless small talk.
• Be comfortable with silence—you are not there to make conversation, you are there to provide what the family members need and that may be just a soda, or a listening ear, a counseling referral, or a shoulder to cry on.
• Look at pictures of the child if they are offered.
• Always offer a resource if you cannot provide what the family needs or answer their questions.
• Remember your personal competence level and refer the family elsewhere if you feel in over your head.
• Do say:
  • Your reactions are normal.
  • Your reactions/feelings are okay.
  • It is understandable that you feel this way.
  • It is okay to talk to me about it—I’m here for that purpose.
  • You are not going crazy.
  • It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.
  • Encourage memory sharing—likes, dislikes, child’s personality, favorite stories/memories, etc (use questions like: “What would you like to tell me about your child?”).

Of special importance for formal helpers (people who are not friends or family members):

• Remember boundaries! Operate within the parameter of the agency with which you are involved.

Don’t

• Tell the family how or what they “should” be doing, feeling, believing, or thinking.
• Take control from the family by trying to make decisions for them.
• Deny, discourage, or ignore expressions of grief, anger, or other feelings.
• Control the family’s time—be responsive to cues that they may not want to talk to you.
• Encourage the family to take on your personal values, attitudes, beliefs, or feelings.
• Make small talk to avoid silence.
• Take on a larger or more involved role than you feel comfortable with.
• Focus on your own past experiences with loss or grief.
• Don’t say:
  • It could be worse.
  • You can always have another baby; or, At least you have other children.
  • It is God’s will.
  • It is best if you just keep busy.
  • I know just how you feel; or, I understand how you feel (saying “your feelings are understandable,” is okay).
  • You need to get on with your life.
  • You’ll get over it.

Of special importance for formal helpers (people who are not friends or family members):

• Avoid over-engaging and enabling (i.e. offering to talk to doctors, call family members, giving personal money or gifts).

Other helpful books: Help, Comfort, and Hope After Losing Your Baby in Pregnancy or the First Year, Ended Beginnings, The Skilled Helper.

About the author: Molly Remer, MSW is the author of three social service booklets, Talking to Someone Whose Child is Dying, A Quick Guide to Successful Volunteering, and Talking to a Battered Woman. Presently, she works as a childbirth and breastfeeding educator. Previously, she worked for four years as a professional volunteer in an agency serving families of critically and terminally ill children and for two years doing crisis work and volunteer coordinating at shelters for battered women.

Copyright © 2005 by Molly M. Remer. All rights reserved.

Author of Talking to a Battered Woman, available through Amazon.com or from this site via Paypal

The following suggestions for talking to battered women are excerpted from Talking to a Battered Woman by Molly M. Remer, MSW, Copyright © 2004 by Molly M. Remer. All rights reserved.

Do

• Provide an atmosphere of physical and emotional safety in which the woman can share her story.
• Listen openly, actively, and responsively.
• Use open-ended questions. (Questions using “what” or “how”—i.e. “tell me about what has been happening in your relationship”).
• Listen without judging.
• Provide validation of the woman’s story, strengths, and right to control her own life and to live a violence free life.
• Be optimistic.
• Occasionally use appropriate humor.
• Draw on and respect the woman’s own knowledge and strengths.
• Be a source of emotional support for when she just needs to talk.
• Provide information, resources, and assist her in learning about alternatives.
• Provide suggestions for action while supporting the woman’s right to make her own choices.
• Use gentle challenges to further explore comments or feelings—challenges involve drawing attention to significant discrepancies between verbal and non-verbal cues (i.e. the woman says “I’m fine, I’m fine,” but is crying) or between a statement and circumstance (i.e. the man has been arrested for assaulting the woman on multiple occasions and she says “he won’t do it again”).
• Verbalize implied beliefs or feelings in order to clarify whether your interpretation is correct.
• Identify the injustice (it isn’t fair and it isn’t her fault).
• Be calm and accepting.
• Explain all information thoroughly.
• Minimize social and economic differences.
• Convey warmth, respect, and concern.
• Be content to just be there for the woman.
• Follow the woman’s cues—use a lead-in question or comment and then proceed based on the person’s response (talkative vs. not). Pay special attention to non-verbal communications.
• Remember you don’t have to make small talk.
• Be comfortable with silence—you are not there to make conversation, you are there to provide what the woman needs and that may just be a soda, or a listening ear, a counseling referral, or a shoulder to cry on.
• Always offer a resource if you cannot provide what the woman needs or answer their questions.
• Remember your personal competence level and refer the woman elsewhere if you feel in over your head.
• Do say:
  • It isn’t your fault.
  • Your reactions are normal.
  • Your reactions/feelings are okay.
  • It is understandable that you feel this way.
  • It is okay to talk to me about it—I’m here for that purpose.
  • You are not going crazy.

Of special importance for formal helpers (people who are not friends or family members):

• Remember boundaries! Operate within the parameter of the agency with which you are involved.
• Mobilize the resources of the community, family, and friends whenever possible.

Don’t

• Blame the victim (this is one of the most important things you can remember to avoid and to convey to the woman—it is not her fault).
• Tell the woman how or what she “should” be feeling, believing, doing, or thinking.
• Take control from the woman by trying to make decisions for her.
• Deny or cut short expressions of grief or feelings.
• Dominate the woman’s time—be responsive to cues that she may not want to talk to you.
• Intellectualize about the situation to the point that you forget to acknowledge and explore feelings.
• Ask questions using “why.”
• Be insensitive, cold, artificial, or stilted.
• Allow silences to become too long or awkward.
• Change the subject or ignore embarrassing comments or circumstances.
• Laugh or make inappropriate jokes.
• Become negative, pessimistic, or depressed.
• Promote your own beliefs, values, attitudes, or feelings.
• Make small talk to fill silence.
• Take on a larger or more involved role than you feel comfortable with.
• Focus on your own past history with abuse.
• Convey disappointment if the woman returns to an abusive relationship.
• Don’t say:
  • It could be worse.
  • It is best if you just keep busy.
  • I know just how you feel; or, I understand how you feel (saying “your feelings are understandable” is okay).
  • You need to get on with your life.
  • You’ll get over it.

Finally, remember to not only speak from a book, but to speak from your heart—from a non-judgmental place of acceptance and empathy.

Of special importance for formal helpers (people who are not friends or family members):

• Avoid over-engaging and enabling (i.e. offering to let her live with you while she gets on her feet).

Recommended Reading: Getting Free, Into the Light, The Skilled Helper.

About the author: Molly Remer, MSW is the author of three social service booklets, Talking to Someone Whose Child is Dying, A Quick Guide to Successful Volunteering, and Talking to a Battered Woman. Presently, she works as a childbirth and breastfeeding educator. Previously, she worked for four years as a professional volunteer in an agency serving families of critically and terminally ill children and for two years doing crisis work and volunteer coordinating at shelters for battered women.
Copyright © 2005 by Molly M. Remer. All rights reserved.

Author of A Quick Guide to Successful Volunteering, available through Amazon.com or from this site via Paypal

The following suggestions for choosing a volunteer position are excerpted from A Quick Guide to Successful Volunteering by Molly M. Remer, MSW, Copyright © 2003 by Molly M. Remer. All rights reserved.

• Establish which causes/issues/service populations interest you most or that you feel committed to. Make a list of your potential interests and tour several agencies that serve the populations or causes that attract your concern. If you do not have any ideas, explore working with several different populations, settings, or causes that are the first to catch your interest when looking through websites, newspaper ads, or the phone book.
• Being a volunteer provides you with the opportunity to experiment with different settings, activities, experiences, and environments. Decide upon the new things you would like to learn or experiment with and choose a volunteer position accordingly.
• Decide on your “skills goal.” Do you wish to use existing professional skills or gain new skills by exploring an area with which you are unfamiliar?
• Clarify areas in which you are sure you do not wish to volunteer and tasks that you are unwilling to take on.
• Decide whether you wish to be a long-term, ongoing, scheduled volunteer or a short-term volunteer, possibly with a one-time event or project.
• Consider whether you would like to volunteer with a group, family members, or friends or whether you would prefer to pursue your volunteer work on your own.
• Consider that many volunteer positions require a period of training before you begin working. Decide how much time you are willing to commit to being trained for the position you desire.
• Carefully think about the group of people or the subject area you want to be involved with helping. Also consider the type of co-workers and supervisor you want to have (i.e. do you prefer mostly self-directed work, or highly structured assignments; do you enjoy working with people who are laid-back, sociable, and flexible, or who are driven and very committed).
• In addition to training, be prepared that the agency you choose may have additional requirements for becoming a volunteer—most agencies won’t just accept someone right off the street. You may need to have criminal and child abuse background checks (this is guaranteed if you are going to be working in an agency that serves children). You will have to fill out an application and will likely be required to have a face-to-face interview in which it can be determined if the agency is a good match for you and you are a good match for it. You may also be required to have specific skills, prior training, or education in order to be considered for the position.
• Besides doing research online, consider checking with your local community’s Voluntary Action Center (or League), looking in the Community section of the newspaper, or looking up specific agencies or categories of agencies in the phone book.

Informative resources: Make a Difference, The Busy Family’s Guide to Volunteering

About the author: Molly Remer, MSW is the author of three social service booklets, Talking to Someone Whose Child is Dying, A Quick Guide to Successful Volunteering, and Talking to a Battered Woman. Presently, she works as a childbirth and breastfeeding educator. She is also a volunteer breastfeeding counselor. Previously, she worked for four years as a professional volunteer in an agency serving families of critically and terminally ill children and for two years doing crisis work and volunteer coordinating at shelters for battered women.
Copyright © 2005 by Molly M. Remer. All rights reserved.

A travel doll is a small doll, (usually 10″ tall or less) originally used during the 1700’s to early 1900’s to entertain a child on a trip. Dolls were brought out for traveling only, and were put away again upon returning home. This helped to keep the doll “special” and enhanced its entertainment value. The most well known traveling doll is probably the small, intrepid carved wooden doll Hitty (of Hitty Her First Hundred Years by Rachel Field). The most well-known rag doll is certainly Raggedy Ann. Now, travel dolls are small dolls that go all kinds of places with their owners (who are frequently adults!). Dolls can accompany their owners on vacations near or far, to work, around town, or to doll conventions. The following instructions will allow you to make a pocket sized travel rag doll using a special “no-sew” method. She is a convenient traveling companion and will always be eager to travel with you!

A fun traveling dollhouse: Magnetic Dollhouse

Instruction video to make your own Hitty doll: Hitty: A Carver’s Classic

A cute, friendly Dress Me Raggedy Ann Doll

Another doll that can easily be transported on a trip: Little Pioneer Girl Paper Doll

Steps:

1. Perfectly proportioned “tubes” (pillow edging) of pre-stuffed muslin are available in the fabric section of Wal-Mart and make great body and arm pieces for the tiny doll. You may buy it by the yard and make lots of tiny dolls! Cut away the flat edge as close to the seam as possible. For each tiny doll, the body roll should be 5 inches long and the arm roll 3 inches (the doll will be approx. 2.5 inches tall when finished). If you do not have pillow edging, you may roll stuffing in muslin to make a firm roll about ¼ inch wide (make sure to fold over the rough edge before rolling, to create a smooth fold on the back side of the roll when you finish).
2. Cut the following size squares out of your choice of calico fabric. You may use all black fabric (except for apron pieces) to make an Amish style doll.
   • 5 x 2 (skirt—try to leave selvage along long side to serve as a hem)
   • 3 x 2 (cut two—bodice & bonnet)
   • 3 x 1.5 (cut two—sleeves)
3. Tie ends of the arm roll tightly to form small hands. Use a “butcher’s knot” for all ties—wrap thread around twice before pulling down the first time and then tie again.
4. Tie ends of the body roll tightly to form feet.
5. Fold body piece in half and tie near the top to create the head.
6. Place arm piece inside of body piece below the head. Cross the legs so one goes to each side and tie across middle of body (there will be an upper body portion between the two ties).
7. Tie on sleeve pieces (start with the fabric inside out). The long side should point away from the doll, and the short side should be tied around the wrist. Roll the fabric down the arm towards the body and tie securely at the shoulder.
8. Cut a slit in the middle of the bodice piece. Slip over doll’s head and tie at waist.
9. With the wrong side of the fabric for the skirt facing out and with the long side pointed towards the doll’s head, tie the short side of the skirt piece around the waist. Flip skirt down toward doll’s feet.
10. Cut a small rectangle of plain fabric for the apron and use two thin strips (the excess cut away from the pillow edging works fabulously!) for the apron bodice. Cross the strips across the chest and lay apron piece across is (pointing toward her head). Tie around waist & flip apron down over skirt.
11. Tie bonnet piece around doll’s neck. Make sure to fold back side across the back of head to create a tidy look

Cloth doll making is an exciting and vibrant art form. Some favorite instruction books are:

Creating & Crafting Dolls
Creative Cloth Doll Making
Crafting Cloth Dolls
Creative Cloth Doll Faces
Cloth Dolls
Baby Dolls & Their Clothes

About the author: Molly Remer is the co-director of a craft school in Missouri. She is a childbirth and breastfeeding educator as well as a mother, volunteer, author, and artisan.
Copyright © 2005 by Molly M. Remer

· The Rights of Childbearing Women (available free from http://www.maternitywise.org/mw/rights.html)

· What Every Pregnant Woman Should Know About Cesarean Section (available to download free at http://www.maternitywise.org/mw/topics/cesarean/booklet.html)

· Having a Baby? Ten Questions to Ask (available to download free at www.motherfriendly.org)

· Coalition for Improving Maternity Services (CIMS) Fact Sheets (available for free download at www.motherfriendly.org):
o Problems & Hazards of Induction of Labor
o Breastfeeding is Priceless
o Risks of Cesarean Delivery to Mother & Baby

· Lamaze International’s 6 Care Practices That Support Normal Birth (available to download free at www.lamaze.org)

· Penny Simkin’s Roadmap to Labor (this may be my all time favorite class handout! Available for purchase at www.dona.org)

· Labor Support—A Quick Guide for the Birth (available for purchase at www.icea.org)

· When You Breastfeed Your Baby: Getting Started) and La Leche League’s tear-off sheets:
o Preparing to Breastfeed
o How to Know Your Healthy Full Term Baby is Getting Enough Milk
o Tips for Handling the Baby Blues
o Working & Breastfeeding
All available for purchase at http://www.lalecheleague.org/catalog.html. Good quantity discounts available.

· The Circumcision Decision (available for purchase from www.icea.org)

· Postpartum: The Making of a Family (available for purchase from www.icea.org)

Other free handouts and good information sheets are available at:

http://www.growingfamily.com/CBE/masterlist.asp (requires registration with the site. Has free business forms as well as class handouts)

http://www.birthsource.com/scripts/artcats.asp?catid=1

My favorite resources/teaching aids for childbirth educators….

(All books referenced are available at Amazon.com through the easy click-through links below this article!)

· A Guide to Effective Care in Pregnancy & Childbirth (available FREE from http://www.maternitywise.org/guide/ or in hard copy from Amazon.com. This book is fantastic to have at your fingertips for excellent, evidence based research. It is peer reviews of research—i.e. by doctors for doctors and for consumers—and medical professionals and medically minded pregnant couples, usually respond well to its evidence based, hard core research, non-“touchy-feely” format and content.)

· Childbirth education flip chart available for free from Pampers (800-950-0078). Great to have as a visual aid for classes. Very large. Good images of active positions for labor and birth. Excellent descriptions/summary of the labor and birth process including bullet points of helpful suggestions for both the mother and her partner to use during each stage of labor. Pampers logo is unobtrusive.

· Birth as an American Rite of Passage (this book really helps you place birth in a cultural context and helps you identify the ritual elements surrounding birth in our country.)

· Knitted Uterus—a classic visual aid! To buy, search www.ebay.com or make your own using a free pattern from Birth Source! (http://www.birthsource.com/scripts/article.asp?articleid=385)

· Birthing From Within (this is an incredibly powerful book that really helps you release your inherent birth wisdom. The only downside is that some of the breastfeeding “advice” is a little questionable. This is in the last section of the book).

· The Breastfeeding Answer Book (this is an indispensable resource for anyone who works regularly with postpartum women. It is well worth the cost—it is an investment, not simply a book! There is also a new pocket guide to this book available that is cheaper, see below.)

· Spiritual Midwifery (this is such a classic and so…“trippy”!)

· Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth (lots of great, inspiring birth stories with positive images and narratives about birth. Very encouraging. Also has a nice birth “primer” in the last section with lots of practical information about the birth process)

About the author: Molly Remer, MSW, CCE is a certified childbirth educator, certified breastfeeding educator, and volunteer breastfeeding counselor. She is also a mother, writer, and artisan who co-directs a craft school in southern Missouri.

I first learned about creating birth art while I read Pam England’s amazing book, Birthing From Within, when I was pregnant with my son. Seeing paintings creating by pregnant women, mothers, and fathers was inspirational for me. I was also moved by reading the accompanying explanations of how the art process had helped them on their birth journeys, or on paths to healing from traumatic experiences with past births. In the book, Ms. England, primarily discusses the use of journaling, painting/drawing, or sculpting. Though I am an avid journal keeper, I did not find that medium vibrant or visual enough to express the hidden birth wisdom I sensed faintly at the edges of my consciousness, waiting to be given form. Birth art allows you to tap into your “right brain” consciousness and express unexplored gifts, primal wisdom, or release hidden fears. Creating birth art can help you explore your feelings, memories, beliefs, and perceptions surrounding birth outside of the confines of the spoken or written word.

During this time, I had also been experimenting with the craft of needle felting. Needle felting involves using 100% wool fiber, a single felting needle, and your imagination! Needle felting is a dry felting process in which washed and carded wool fleece is sculpted into shape using only a special barbed needle. The final product is a sturdy piece of art that will hold together permanently (for collecting and display only). I decided I had found the perfect medium to express my birth art. I had envisioned creating a Venus of Wilendorf style goddess sculpture. My first attempts left me feeling dissatisfied. I had created the form of a pregnant woman with white wool and then layered colors over it (the effect was cluttered and disorienting—not the inner wisdom I was seeking to explore). I also gave them faces that seemed unfortunately more haunting than wise. Finally, I created a lushly full figured pregnant woman in white wool in a seated position (my previous efforts were standing) and decided to leave her white and without facial features. I gave her wild, colorful hair in colors representing the four elements. Finally, I felt my vision being manifest! My only concern was how your eye was drawn to her head/hair. One of my fears surrounding birth was that I would be too “in my head” to get into the rhythm of the birth process. I worried that this fear was given visual form in my goddess sculpture—her “energy” was concentrated in her wild, wooly hair, not in her ripe body where I thought it “should” be. Only after I gave birth to my son, did I fully realize what my exuberant goddess was trying to tell me. Her hair and the colors in it were symbolic of the elemental forces and intuitive knowledge that each birthing woman possesses. I had been concerned about being “in my head” with “book learning.” After giving birth, I recognized the intuitive, natural wisdom that I do carry in both my mind and my body.

Creating birth art is an intensely personal experience, so I will not try to give instructions for how to create the same type of birth art that I choose to create. Instead, I share pictures of sculptures I have created and encourage you to get a felting needle and a pile of carded wool and discover what wisdom emerges from your deepest self.

Birth goddess sculptures make wonderful, affirming gifts for Blessingways or mother blessing ceremonies. They are also perfect gifts for doulas, midwives, or other birth attendants. Purchase one of my unique birth goddess creations using Paypal! Please allow four weeks for her be created and journey to you.

Other excellent resources:
Birthing From Within Keepsake Journal
Mother Rising: The Blessingway Journey Into Motherhood
Felted Treasures
Feltcraft

About the author: Molly Remer, MSW, CCE is a certified childbirth educator, certified breastfeeding educator, and volunteer breastfeeding counselor. She is also a mother, writer, and artisan who co-directs a craft school in southern Missouri.
Copyright © 2005 by Molly M. Remer
All rights reserved.

These tips are designed primarily to assist professionals who are called upon to work with teenagers during the course of their others duties. Within, find guidelines especially offered for those who are attempting to establish rapport and meet goals with teenagers who do not wish to be receiving the services offered by the professional. Professionals such as lawyers, doctors, and educators will find these tips helpful. People who work primarily with an adolescent population may also find that these tips serve as helpful general reminders for their interactions.

• Strive for a collaborative problem solving approach to your interactions with teenagers. This is the most important guideline you can remember. This method is employed by using statements such as “let’s each offer some ideas for how to deal with this.” Try your best to make your approach a process of mutual decision making instead of giving orders. Teenagers will be a lot more receptive to your ideas and opinions if they feel they are involved in the process and have a role to play.
• Ask for the teenager’s opinions/ideas/perspectives/beliefs and really listen to their responses, as well as truly taking them into consideration.
• Minimize social & economic differences (in dress, speech, accessories, etc).
• Avoid statements that involve the words “need to,” “have to,” or “should.”
• Be non-directive and use open-ended questions beginning with “what” or “how.”
• Recognize that teenagers have volatile moods and will sometimes be receptive to you and sometimes not.
• Talk to teenagers as equals—do not patronize, talk down to, or “talk at” them. Teens are very hypersensitive to this and may think you are doing it even if you feel you are not.
• Be respectful of the teenager’s experiences, feelings, and perspectives.
• Avoid judging, criticism, condemning, brushing off their perspectives/ideas/opinions, or treating them as if they are stupid or “less than.”
• Remember how egocentric adolescents are and operate from that understanding.
• Identify with the teenager to a certain extent—i.e. “I’ll bet it really stinks to be in this position.”
• Do not say: “I know how you feel” or “I totally understand.” You don’t. They know it and it rings hollow to them.
• Employ a conspiratorial element to your interactions. (This should be done honestly and within your professional boundaries). Inspire trust and a feeling of collaboration by saying things like, “we have a problem here—I think this, you think…. What do you think we should do about it?” (Mean it when you ask this). Ask for the teenager’s outcome goal and opinions.
• Retain the mutual right to disagree, but again bring up comments such as “so, what should we do about it then?” (Not in a challenging manner, but as a request for collaboration).
• Remember that respect works both ways—if you want the teenager to respect your opinion, offer them the same courtesy.
• Teenagers know how to push buttons—avoid becoming defensive or argumentative (good modeling for your future interactions), and squash the urge to assert your dominance or to maintain the upper hand, since that will only close doors for you.
• Teenagers like to test limits—feel free to ignore obvious attention seeking behaviors or statements made purposefully to shock or annoy.
• Acknowledge feelings. “Everyone’s out to get me,” style statements will likely be made and can be met with, “I can see how it might feel that way to you, I’m here to help you try to figure out what we can do about it.”
• Be an ally instead of an adversary.
• Make sure the teenager is informed about all possible choices/suggestions.v Make suggestions instead of orders.
• Make it clear that you are ready and willing to listen and are working to understand their perspective.
• Use feeling statements, instead of accusatory “what you should be doing is…” phrases, use “it seems like you feel that…”
• Avoid using close-ended “why” questions or directive statements.
• Remember to speak not only from your reading, but from a place inside you of warmth, caring, and a true desire to understand and assist.
• For more helpful information read Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg or How to Talk so Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber.

About the author: Molly Remer, MSW is a childbirth and breastfeeding educator. She is also a mother, author, volunteer and artisan. She lives with her husband and sons in central Missouri.
Copyright © 2005 by Molly M. Remer
All rights reserved.